suppose that for the sensibilities' sake I ought to
come up with a better title for this column. But as
I sit here typing, I can't. You see, not only do I like
the activity of fucking, I like the word.
I like it for its "shock" value, for the way
it flies in the faces of those who want to sanitize,
legitimatize, and civilize the wonderfully basic and
primal event called sexual intercourse.
The word "fuck" is common enough today to
appear in my dictionary. It is noted as "obscene";
its origin unknown. Someone once told me that it was
an abbreviation "for unlawful carnal knowledge."
I don't know if it is or not, since no one has ever
taught me anything about fucking, or sexual intercourse
for that matter.
My parents didn't, neither did the priest who explained
(if that's what you called it) sex to me and the other
boys in my eighth grade class.
My friend Jack borrowed a book on sex from the library
when we were high school sophomores, but instructions
other than the sketchy paragraph in there were non-existent.
I was well into my own coming-out process when I first
fucked my friend Mike. At the time he was a trick I
had picked up at a local bar. I remember him wanting
to be fucked early that Sunday morning. I obliged, and
was astounded to see that he really liked having a cock
(my cock) up his ass.
I, of course, didn't try the same feat with my anus
until a good three years later. And yes, it hurt the
first time. And yes, sometimes it still hurts.
Those of you who still think that leather is about clothing,
ought to know that leather is also about fucking.
Of course, it's about a lot of other things as well.
And there are a large number of ways to have great leather
and still not fuck. In the age of AIDS, that's no wonder,
I'm sure. But if you see leather as striving toward
ecstasy and bonding, then chances are you're going to
be part of a scene where a finger, cock, prick, dick,
or penis (choose one) is inserted into an ass, anus,
vagina, pussy, or cunt (choose one).
No one ever (except in utero) comes as close to another
person as when he (or she) is inside the other, or conversely
as when he or she has the other person inside them.
The receptive part can squeeze and caress the inserted
member. For its part the inserter can stroke and poke
the insertee in wonderfully sensuous ways. The result
For the top, the pleasure often leads to orgasm. Surprisingly,
many bottoms don't come when being fucked, but do get
significant enjoyment and satisfaction in the activity.
For those comfortable and knowledgeable in the techniques
of love-making (another euphemism for fucking), orgasm
remains the end (as in purpose) of sex but the act of
sex is widely regarded as much greater than the orgasm
In fact for many leather folk, orgasm is overshadowed
by all the pleasures derived before orgasm.
In light of AIDS, many partners refrain from orgasm
during fucking. Even though they go at it with a high
margin of safety by using condoms and a virucidal lubricant,
they withdraw prior to orgasm and have their ejaculation
outside of their partner's body.
I admit that my writing takes a definitive male predilection
in these lines so I'll have to ask my female readers
to use their imaginations when it comes to their being
"insertive". That poses no more problem, I'm
sure, than it does for male readers to be "receptive."
The whole point of fucking is, after all, intimacy and
we should be and can be creative in ways to accomplish
that goal. The physical inclusion of one's member in
another's body is only one way that fucking accomplishes
its objective. The bonds of unity in SM fucking (i.e.,
safe, sane, and consensual) are formed with one's emotions
as well as ones flesh and blood.
We in the Western World don't often consider the energies
of our ethereal bodies. Those of the East, particularly
those who practice Yoga, Tantra, or any of those related
Buddhist, Vedic, and Hindu Philosophies, have much to
teach us in this area. Suffice it to say that there
is more to fucking than just fucking. What has always
attracted me to leather is the willingness of its adherents
to explore, experiment, and actually devote time, energy,
and thought to sex and sexual pleasure.
I'm not advocating the quick fuck that turns a trick
into an object, a "fucker" into no more than
a human dildo, though there are certainly enough reasons
to have a quickie now and again. In the early days of
several of my relationships it was not uncommon to do
it on the couch during a half hour lunch break.
But serious fucking, like anything else worth doing,
takes time. Develop your technique, prepare the space,
go at it slowly, build to climax. The operative words
here are "slowly". Make fucking playful, while
keeping it deliberate and varied. I was going to add
the word tender, then thought about fucking being rough,
and finally realized that the best word is varied, since
both tender and rough have their place in intimacy.
There are times for ramming one's rod or riding an erect
cock as if it were a wildly rocking horse but the best
fucks are crafted with a gradual rise toward climax.
Some even advocate that one develop the ability to have
an orgasm without ejaculation so that multiple orgasms
become possible in a shorter period of time.
Our culture has a fundamental prejudice against sex.
I've railed enough against that premise already. Americans,
and probably most of the societies on this planet, are
embarrassed and ashamed about fucking. Hence the lack
of available instruction (not to mention unwanted pregnancy
and sexual disfunction).
I mentioned to a friend that I was writing about fucking
and he said "Why? What's to learn?" Because
attitudes about sex as "being private" and
"being dirty" are our misguided. We choose
to pretend that satisfactory sex is merely instinctual,
needs no prompting, and is best gotten over with as
soon as possible. In my adolescence intercourse was
discussed in terms of "marital obligations, procreation,
and the alleviation of concupiscence."
Those are hardly terms that engender pleasure. Fucking
is about pleasure. Make that pleasure with care, responsibility,
and intimacy. Make it safe fucking, but make it fun.
Learn how to fuck -- and how to get fucked. Read, watch,
discuss. Approach fucking as a blessing. The world will
be a better place if we do.