young man whom I'll call Rich called last week to ask
me how he could find a spanking partner. By the tone of
his voice and the hesitancy of his words, you'd get the
idea that he thought it was a strange request. Like many
of us, he suffers a bit from the "I think I'm the
only one" syndrome.
The good news, of course, is that his request is hardly
unique and the number of people, of either gender or sexual
orientation, who have or wish they had spanking as their
fetish, is surprisingly large. The practitioners are quite
varied in their habits, but their love of having an ass
warmed by a paddle is surprisingly common.
If that's news to you, it's only because it's a rather
well-kept secret. Like many tastes that contradict what
society pretends is normal, paddle lovers find themselves
in a closet of their own making.
As a novice, Rich was somewhat unsure as to what to do.
At this point he mostly fantasizes about the event, though
he did say he has been spanked once or twice. I asked
him about his experiences and suggested that for the highest
success rate in his search he ought to be open to the
largest number of scenarios.
I told Rich to take out an ad, suggesting he find a magazine
that caters to, or at least, attracts spankers, such as
Leather Journal, Metro slave, Drummer, etc. I also suggested
that he might have better luck actually meeting a spanking
partner if he placed an ad or two locally, in the classified
section of Gay Chicago Magazine. He need only put the
word "spanking" in the ad and I'm sure he'd
get a good deal more answers than he expected.
Over the years I've found that spankers (and here I include
both givers and receivers) come in all sizes and shapes,
with or without sex, dream of a wide variety of scenarios
(coach, teacher, adversary, etc.), and use all sorts of
The most popular spanking tool, of course, is the fraternity
paddle with its various finishings, widths, thicknesses,
and materials: wood, plastic, leather, and rubber. Collecting
instruments seems to be a basic part of the spanker's
repertoire. I once visited a guy who wanted to be spanked
and was amazed at his collection of instruments.
He showed me more than 50 home-made and store-bought wooden
paddles, as well as ones made of Lucite, Plexiglas, and
caning. The wooden ones were highly crafted and polished
to a brilliant sheen, as if lacquering and polishing a
paddle was as much a fetish as having it used.
This guy was exceptionally creative, not only in making
his own, but in finding suitable instruments of punishment
where the average person wouldn't ever think to look.
Rug beaters, pastry whips, and spoons hung neatly next
to crops, whips, and floggers. Here was a collector who
took his hobby seriously, even to asking, almost insisting,
that I not stop until I had drawn blood. Doing so means
that one spanks past pink, past dark red, past white,
past blisters, past the lymph fluid that oozes when those
blisters burst, right into blood blisters and blood. At
that point, he's happy and I my arm is ready to fall off.
That isn't a joke. The average spanker's ass can take
punishment that will weary even the strongest arm.
But I describe a spanker in the extreme. Most only seek
a hot glow and the opportunity to jerk off while the paddle
is being applied. In that vein, for those of us who acquiesce
to make their dreams come true, there isn't as much sexual
fulfillment as I'd like. In fact, for many spankers, sex
isn't a very big part of the scene at all. Oh, they're
accommodating enough but many prefer a paddle to a prick
Another suggestion I had for Rich was to be willing to
switch between giving and getting. Not only is this a
great way to learn all the dos and don'ts, it also has
the happy effect of doubling the number of potential partners.
Some spankers really only want to go one way or the other.
Give and take, though, is fair and square. More than just
that, I remember an exciting evening spent in a hotel
room with an acquaintance from Texas who was into mutual
spanking. His scenario was the "take it like a man"
viewpoint: I'll give you five; you give me five; let's
see who gives up first. It's often best to practice saying
"Uncle" before you begin to play with a dude
as intense as this one. Seriously, though, it was a good
The spanking "fraternity" is large but you'll
have to work at finding its members. The aura of shame,
the fear of rejection, and society-imposed guilt often
keep novices from doing the advertising needed to find
their spanking satisfaction.
It boils down to the fact that there's a partner for everyone
willing to look for him. What applies to my friend Rich
applies to everyone. You've got to do some looking, some
advertising, some negotiating, and some sharing.
Asking around, as Rich did when he called me, is a good
way to start. Besides asking columnists, talk with bartenders,
club members, and friends. The key concept here is "Nothing
ventured, nothing gained."
Advertising means using the classifieds. Magazines, computer
lines, and phone services come to mind most readily, though
I always caution not to run up large phone bills. Signally
with hankies or a paddle attached to your belt works well
in the right kind of bars. They tell me that spankers
wear fuchsia, on the right for receiving, on the left
for giving. I have to admit that I've never seen it and
if I did the bar was probably too dark for me to tell
what the color was anyway.
The negotiation part ought to be fairly obvious. You've
got to talk to your prospective partner to really know
what the two of you can agree on doing. With a fetish
as specific as spanking you'll want to know you share
to same interests. You don't want to start paddling a
person who doesn't expect it. After all, once you've got
him or her home, there's little chance you'll be able
to find someone else that same night. Talk it over before
you get into the bedroom.
Lastly, I'm a firm believer in the value of sharing. That
doesn't always mean that you switch. It means that you
both experience satisfaction. If you can't make your partner
feel good then don't expect to see your partner again.
Keep them happy and they'll come back to make you happy
Just because spanking isn't your fetish, doesn't mean
you can avoid the basic guidelines about cruising that
are listed above. No matter what your fantasy, there's
more than likely someone who shares it with you. Get out
of your closet and look, there's more of you than you
1999 by Jack Rinella. This material may not be copied in
any manner. For permission to reproduce this essay, contact
to Main Page